Dear Mainstream Media,
Can you please tell us what's going on with Russia and Ukraine? I'm so confused and I don't understand. It all makes me really afraid.
Scared in Scranton
Dear Scared in Scranton,
You SHOULD be afraid! And you're doing the right thing by constantly tuning in to hear what we have to say about the situation. We actually have no idea what's really going on with Russia and Ukraine; but we're certainly more than happy to tell you what we WANT you to know about it.
First of all, you must trust us. We've been 100% truthful with you in the past, so you know it's safe to trust what we're telling you now. Right? Right.
OK. So this is what you need to know...
Putin and Russia are the bad guys. They are unjustly invading Ukraine.
Ukraine and its leaders are the good guys. They are taking up arms to fight the evil Russians in the streets.
Is this true? Is this the whole story? Well, we really don't know for sure, BUT, it's what we're reporting as true; so it should be unquestionably true for you, too.
We help you with this by publishing pictures that embed the truth in your mind. For example, here's a photo of a former Miss Ukraine showing that she's taking up arms in defense of her country.
Yes, yes...ignore the fact that the weapon she's holding is a toy airsoft gun that shoots plastic pellets. It's a great picture AND it advances our narrative.
And here's the president of Ukraine:
We, in the media, want to portray him as a brave man--willing to stay in the country and fight shoulder-to-shoulder with his people. That's why, even though this picture was taken months before the Russian invasion, it helps tell the story of a man we know you'll want to support and get behind. He is the fearless leader of a free democracy who wants to stand with his people and fight, while being ruthlessly hunted by Russian assassination squads. How could you not fall in love with this man? You should be all FOR sending troops to Ukraine and placing a no-fly zone over the country!
We do want to caution you, however, to be extra-careful and vigilant. You may see things that we don't want you to see or that we don't think are good for you to see. Misinformation (or dis-information, as they say) is running rampant these days.
Take the former Democrat congresswoman from Hawaii, Tulsi Gabbard. She's been pretty honest and incorruptible in the past, so that's a red flag that you shouldn't give any credence to what she has to say now.
What Tulsi Gabbard is talking about isn't anything you really need to know. It certainly doesn't apply to what WE want you to know. She's referring back to 2014 when Victoria Nuland, Under-Secretary of State for European Affairs, engineered a "regime change" in Ukraine. Nuland's efforts led to a coup that ousted a democratically-elected president and installed politicians more friendly to the U.S. and the West. Tulsi Gabbard says that President Zelensky is a tyrant who has imprisoned his political enemies and is intent on creating a one-party system. He persecutes ethnic Russians and passed a Language Law that classifies anyone who speaks Russian as being a "non-citizen." Ignore what she says. WE say this is obviously Russian disinformation and propaganda.
So, Scared in Scranton, are you still confused about what's going on? Is Russia really the bad guy and Ukraine really the good guy? Don't worry about it. We're telling you that we WANT you to think that Ukraine is totally innocent. We want you to think that Ukraine needs help from our military. Why would you suspect that we would have any motive to feed you propaganda that isn't true? We're honest journalists. You just need to trust us.
We did see an article from some website called Unwoke Narrative that stated. "Defense contractors rake in serious profits from American military ventures and have a vested interest in wars. More war means more money. As tensions between the United States and Russia increase, these companies are behind the scenes."
They go on to point to an op-ed piece in the Washington Post that advocates for the military being ready to support Ukraine.
The author, Michael Vickers, is a former Special Forces officer and CIA operations officer who served as Assistant Secretary of Defense for Special Operations. What we DIDN'T tell you is that Mr. Vickers sits on the board of directors of BAE Systems, Europe's largest defense contractor. Is that important information? It doesn't matter. WE felt it was important not to remind you that defense contractors profit from war. Information on Mr. Vickers' affiliation is on a need to know basis -- and you don't need to know.
Let us put your mind at ease just in case you have any doubt that we're being less than truthful and trustworthy. You can be sure that you're hearing the facts when other well-known and loved global icons agree with us. Take George Soros and Hilary Clinton, for example. If they say the same thing as us, you KNOW it's truth and not propaganda.
You'll see in Mr. Soros' statement that he thinks we should go to war with Russia, So, WE say we should go to war, so YOU think we should go to war. Just because Mr. Soros pays us to say what HE thinks shouldn't matter in the least as to what we say YOU should think.
That's a stupid headline. We're just going to ignore it.
Anyway, here's what Hilary Clinton has to say:
See, Hilary wants you to believe our narrative, too. Since you trust her, you should trust us!
And, no, we're not going to report on those conspiracy theories about the U.S. operating biolabs in the Ukraine. Just because a State Department official (Victoria Nuland) testified under oath that they exist...doesn't mean they really exist.
Our third-party fact-checkers (who we pay to check facts for us!) insist that it's all just Russian disinformation.
Even the honest journalists at USA Today, America's newspaper, say there's nothing to see here:
And no, we're not going to report on Hunter Biden's laptop showing Biden family ties to corruption in Ukraine. We spiked those stories before the 2020 election so you wouldn't be distracted by stupid headlines. We also won't report that Hunter Biden's firm, Rosemont Seneca, was funding the firms investing in Ukrainian biolabs. Too much information can cloud what we want you to know.
Be assured that our social media wing is keeping in lockstep with the White House's narrative on Ukraine and the "strategic goals of the region." When times get tough and people don't swallow everything we're telling them to think, we unleash the younger generation. The White House just held a meeting with 30 top Gen-Z TikTok influencers to make sure that they know how to deliver the correct narrative to their millions of followers. We just want to be sure our impressionable youth can make proper sense of what's happening in the world after we tell them what to think!
In spite of all of our wonderfully consistent narrative, we still must accept the fact that there are going to be those naysayers who don't take to heart what we report. You know--those people who look at what we, the media, tell them and say, "I might not know if what I'm being told is true, but I can watch the media and, at least, I know what ISN'T true." To those "outliers," we promise to smear you and call you names, just like we did with the other narratives we've been pushing for the last two years. Don't ever forget that people who questioned our narrative were called "racist," "domestic terrorists," "anti-vaxxers." and "science deniers." Our narrative has changed from the last two years to a new narrative about war in Eastern Europe, but our tactics are still the same. Now, if you question what we say, we'll just call you "pro-Putin," "Kremlin puppet," or a "Moscow stooge." Same tactics, just new words.
We know you don't want that to happen to you, so just listen to us and think what we WANT you to think. As your trusted media partner, we suggest that you stop trying to think and just go ahead and react with fear. Feel it. Let the fear roll over you. We're here for you.
When things get scary (and war is definitely scary), it is human nature to cling to anything that provides a sense of stability and security. Just accept what we tell you. That's why you find it so comforting to trust us. We tell you only what you need to know. So sit back. Relax. Flip on the news and let us frighten you even more. We know that the more terrified you get, the more you'll turn to us, your trusted friend in times of chaos and tumult. We won't let you get bogged down in the process of having to do your own research and critical thinking. That's what we're here for. It's our job and we're happy to serve you...just like we've always done.
The media's the most powerful entity on earth. They have the power to make the innocent guilty and to make the guilty innocent, and that's power. Because they control the mind of the masses.
(This post inspired by the wit and humor of JP Sears. )
P.S. Please know that this post in no way is meant to diminish the plight of the people involved in this human tragedy. We pray for all those who are suffering and afraid. We pray for world leaders to have compassion, strength and wisdom to guide their choices. We pray that, in this moment of crisis, we may reach out in solidarity to our brothers and sisters in need. We pray for peace for the people of Ukraine, Russia and the world.